Saturday, 4 February 2012

Fortieth Friday Flash: Nessie (Revised Version)

With comments on the story from @LouiseBroadBent and @Grahamza I thought it would be best to alter my Friday Flash a bit. Luckily I haden't posted my story into the collector so thought I would do a new blog post and keep the old one.

Mostly the ending has changed. If you feel so inclined please let me know if it's an improvement over the previous version.

Caleb brushed his teeth vigorously, he wanted to get rid of his stupid spicy sausage breath. He loved his mum's cooking, but it played havoc on his personal hygiene.

The doorbell rang.

“I'll get it!” he shouted and ran down the stairs. He pulled his clothes straight and flattened his hair before snatching the door open. He smiled, it was Emily, she was all eyes and raven black hair.

Without saying a word Emily reached out and wiped away the toothpaste from his chin.

Blushing, he looked down.

His toothbrush was snatched from his hand. Caleb span around, it was his mum.

“Have him back by 6pm.”

“Mom! I'm 9 years old! Can't I stay out longer?”

“No, it's going to get dark early, and I'm sure your nanny needs to study for her exams.”

“Yes, I do,” said Emily “Enjoy your book club.”

Emily took his hand and they strolled down the hill towards the loch. He enjoyed spending time with her, all his friends thought girls were icky, but Emily was different, she was a woman.

“Are we going to that coffee shop again? I don't like it there, the music is always so annoying.”

“Not this time, Mr. Darcy has agreed to let us ride with him on his boat for a couple of hours.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yes, as long as we don't get in his way.”

“You're the best.”

“Just don't tell your mum, okay?”

“My lips are sealed.”


They were about halfway down to the loch.



“One day when I'm older and rich with money coming out of my ears, will you, um, will you marry me?”

She laughed. He would say anything to make her laugh. “You're a sweet kid, you should enjoy your youth, you don't want to shackle yourself too early on.”

“Nah, being young sucks, always people telling you what to do.”

She ruffled his hair. “Believe me kid, things don't change.”

“It will be different for me.”

“Maybe so, but come along, Mr. Darcy will be waiting.”

Sure enough the old man shouted at them as soon as he spotted them. “Come on, come on! Nessie will eat all the fish if we don't hurry!”

Several minutes later they were out on the water, Caleb and Emily looking out onto the water while Mr. Darcy set up his fishing rods.

“Remember to keep away from the water,” said Mr. Darcy. “Nessie has been very active lately.”

“You don't really believe do you?” asked Emily.

“You would be foolish not to, I have spotted the beast many times, never a clear good look, but its there alright.”

“I hope we see it!” said Caleb.

After a few minutes Emily sat back and opened up one of her books. They weren't supposed to be out on the water, his mum hated the water, and Mr. Darcy complained about any noise he made, but he didn't really care, he loved it.

Bored, he took a piece of paper from Emily's bag and made a paper airplane, once satisfied with all the folds and flaps he threw it into the air. It twirled around and then hovered dangerously near the edge.

“Emily! My plane!”

Startled, she leaped up, her book went flying.

“No!” shouted Emily jumping after the book, and over the edge.


Caleb moved her to grab her, but his fingers just brushed her jacket. She went into the water with a splash. She emerged out of the water a few moments later, gasping for air.

“We must get her out of the water quick!” shouted Mr. Darcy.

Mr. Darcy reached down for Emily's hand. Caleb spotted something big moving in the water. Then Emily screamed and got pulled back into the water just as Mr. Darcy got a hold of her hand. Mr. Darcy almost followed her in.

Caleb reached down to help. “Hold on Emily!”

She seemed to be in too much pain to answer. They yanked back and forth a few times, but the beast would not let go. The beast's movements were getting more and more savage until they were all pulled off the boat. Caleb let go in the confusion. Luckily he had learned to swim the year before. He made his way to the surface and caught a hold of the side of the boat.

Mr. Darcy was just going back in, he seemed to have a knife in his hand and he was going after the beast and Emily. Caleb pulled himself into the boat and went to the controls. Luckily it started again at one turn. Breathing heavily he waited until he spotted movement in the water.

He eased the boat in closer, the controls not much different to video games he had played. After what seemed like ages Emily and then moments later Mr. Darcy burst up to the surface.

Caleb helped them on board. Emily's legs were bleeding badly and Mr. Darcy's had a nasty cut to his head.

“I'm so happy you're safe!” he said rushing over and giving Emily a hug.

“Me too,” she said between sobs.

“Get us to the shore Caleb! Fast!”

Caleb did as he was told. Phoning the emergency services from his cellphone as he guided the boat. Even though he was so scared, his mind was clear and he was going to do what he had to do to make sure both of them were okay.


  1. This is definitely a better ending. The last ending was too rushed and leaving the reader cheated. It is great npw!

  2. Good stuff! Although keeping in a death would have been good as well, but I like it! :D

  3. you revised this before I got the the first one. I thought this was a nice story, that travelled along at a nice pace. For me it lack real tension though, I never felt the drama of when they were all in the water.

    Still a good tale!

  4. Nessie leaving survivors? I'm disappointed in the old gal!

  5. I have this amusing thought in my head that Nessie is going to go back to her family and tell them of the one that got away. :)

  6. Interesting take on the Nessie myth. But I'm a bit confused about the setting.. Is it Scotland? If it is, then the story is in big trouble.

  7. I don't know how much you want feedback on your writing but you might want to take a look at your comma usage - you often use a comma where a full stop or a hyphen would be better. Like Tom, I'm also confused about the setting, since you're talking about lochs but Emily refers to him as "kid" and he has a cellphone (and he's, what, 9?) Having said that, it's an enjoyable story, and it's nice to see Nessie making another appearance! She has been quiet for a while...

  8. @Quirina Thank you, glad you liked the revision.

    @Graham Peter I did feel a bit odd leaving out the death, but Emily seemed too nice to just kill off like that, but maybe she won't be so lucky next time ;p

    @Helen Good point, will keep a closer eye on future similar scenes. And glad you enjoyed it :)

    @Jack I think the next people she encounters won't be so lucky!

    @Steve Haha! Good one :)

    @Tom I think I need to visit Scotland properly sometime to make up for this :)

    @Icy Thanks! I think will ask for more feedback on future stories. Only way I will improve. The cellphone scene did seem a bit contrived to me. If I did it again I would most probably have it as Emily's phone or his mom's phone she lends him.