Eighty Fourth Friday Flash: No Place Like Gnome

 Labour minister Reddish Green was in today to answer questions in the Upper House of Parliament.

"When will the exploitation of gnomes stop?" asked Fairly Apt the leader of the opposition party.

"What exploitation?"

"Ha! The list is endless! They are paid minimum wage to stand in front of people's homes to be stared at and made fun of. How can you not call that exploitation?"

"Nonsense! It's tradition and they enjoy it."

"How about the gnomes who are forced to smoke pipes? Some are asthmatic for crumb's sake!"

"No one is forcing them to smoke and if they wish they can always switch to the new electronic smoking pipes."

"Bah! What about the vegetarian gnomes that are forced to fish? It's against all their principles!" Fairly Apt shook his fist.

"They are not forced to do anything. This is a waste of everyone's time and besides they are not even fishing for real fish!"

"You are not taking this seriously, I will not stand by while these poor people are used and abused!"

"I don't know where you are getting your facts from! Gnomes have one of the strongest unions there are. If anything they have it too good!"

Fairly Apt smiled an evil little smile. "What about the rumours you kicked a defenceless gnome?"

"I did no such thing! Hang on a minute since when did the opposition party members start sporting beards?"

"Ah oh!" said the imposter who was actually gnome in disguise. He jumped off his friend's shoulders and they both ran out the room.

Pandemonium broke out. The speaker of the house banged his gavel until there was order. He cleared his throat. "Be honest, did you kick a gnome or not?"

"Yes, but only because the dirty scoundrel pinched my wife's bottom!"

Eighty Second Friday Flash: The Magic Pillowcase

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 The air was thick with the smell of damp hay. John scooped up all the muck and grime off the floor. Hard work but it distracted him from the pain he felt in his heart. His wife was close to surgery, the doctors said it was touch and go on whether she would make it. Her mother was with her and she blamed the situation on him, which only frustrated him further, he only wanted the best for his wife.

Most of the animals were in the barn today, it was too cold for them to be out. With his work done, he went over and stroked the bull Moosby's neck. The bovine moved and stamped his hoof in appreciation. Moosby's eyes darted to the side and he shied away. John searched the room, it was a mouse sitting in the middle of the floor staring at them.

John gripped the handle of his broom. Ready to shoo it away, but it seemed to beckon his with its little paw, curious, John followed it. The mouse went up to the second floor of the barn, where the bales of hay were kept. It stopped to look at him a few times, as if to check he was still following it.

Dodging a few spiderwebs and climbing over some hay bales John found himself in the corner. There was a shaft of morning little shining through a hole in the roof. One day he would have to fix that. The mouse was sitting on something white and dusty. He couldn't believe it, it was his wife's favourite pillowcase. It had gone missing a week before she was rushed to hospital.

John got out some of his breakfast nuts and berries and gave it to the mouse. It sat there chewing as John gently pulled the pillowcase away from it. With the pillowcase in hand he rushed to the farmhouse.

The washing machine and tumble dryer seemed to take forever. He had to get it to his wife, he knew it would comfort her.

When he reached the ward she was staying in he was shocked to discover that she wasn't there. In a panic he grabbed the nearest nurse.

“My wife?”

“Oh, Mr. Johnson, didn't you know? She is in surgery, your mother-in-law said she would inform you.”

He would need to confront his mother-in-law later. “How is she?”

Just then his wife was wheeled in. She looked so tired, but he was so happy to see she was okay. He glared at his mother-in-law and she stared back. The nurse took in the situation.

“Come, Mr's Arden, your daughter needs her husband.”

His mother-in-law began to protest but stopped when she saw the pillowcase with the rainbow design in his hand.

John sat down next to his wife and took her hand in his. It was warm, but unresponsive. With the nurse's help he changed the pillowcase.

He felt a gentle squeeze and opened his eyes. Her other hand rested on the pillowcase. She looked very weak, but there was a smile on her face. It was all that he needed to see. It was going to be a long road, but everything was going to be just fine.

Eighty First Friday Flash: Bump

 Ruza was filing away some dusty files, she was an intern, what else would she be doing?

“Boo!” said Bob, her fellow intern behind her.

Startled, Ruza smacked her head on a cabinet draw. She saw a whole sprinkling of stars before the whole world came back into view.

“Ow!”

“Oh, Ruza! Did you hurt yourself?”

Ruza turned and growled at him. “Damn right I did!”

Bob looked ashamed with his large eyes, fuzzy cheeks and button nose. Wait, something wasn't right. Ruza laughed.

“What is it?”

“You look like a panda bear!”

Bob's frown deepened. “Maybe you should see a doctor?”

“Nah, I'm sure it's nothing,” said Ruza.

“Go have a break, I will finish here.”

Rubbing her head Ruza went to the coffee room. A bright pink flamingo was standing on one leg drinking a latte and nibbling on a doughnut.

Ruza giggled. Maybe she did have a concussion or something after all.

“Don't look at me that way! I used low fat milk.”

That confirmed it, it had to be Angela from reception she was always concerned about her appearance. This was too much fun, she had to go see what the others looked like. Bill from accounting was a mole with thick glasses. Busy body Beatrice was a bumble bee. And showoff Ted from marketing was a peacock.

They all looked at her as if she was high on glue.

She only had one more person to see, Catherine her boss. Ruza burst into the main office. She had to see before the affect wore off.

Ruza laughed louder than ever before. She was right! Her boss was an old and hairy shrew! The giant shrew in a business suit squealed.

Moments later Adam the wild boar from security hauled her away towards the elevator. A confused Bob tagged along saying they must get her to the hospital.

Ruza looked at herself in the mirror of the elevator. She was a penguin.

Ruza liked penguins.   

#Divinehell - Violence

Gertrude loved sales, and nothing annoyed her more than people who tried to stop her. Today there was a sale at her favourite shop Elegant Girl.

After pushing and shoving her way through the masses she spotted a gorgeous coat and ran for it, just missing it. Her rival held and caressed the coat. Raging, Gertrude slammed her trolley into the unsuspecting woman and ripped the coat away. There were gasps and shouts as other customers went to help the stricken woman

A smile plastered across face Gertrude went over to the checkout point with her new coat and other sales items.

Suddenly she felt very hot and flustered.

“Ma'am?” asked the checkout assistant.

“Urgh...”

Gertrude collapsed to the floor clutching her throat. Her blooding boiling as she burst into flames.

“Ma'am!”

Twenty-Fourth Friday Flash: Rat Problem

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Gabby had a rat problem. Nothing had worked. Giving up, she phoned an exterminator. The doorbell rang as soon as she hung up the phone.

“Mrs Johnson?”

“Yes…” said Gabby frowning.

“I’m Gunther from Little Mountain Exterminators.” The short bearded man and three similar looking men in blue overalls squeezed past her.

Gabby followed them to the kitchen. “That was quick!”

Gunther shrugged. “We were in the area.”

“Boss!” shouted one of the men. “He’s in here!” The dwarf kicked at a kitchen cupboard.

“Get em boys!”

The men snatched little axes from their belts and bashed Gabby’s kitchen to pieces.

Gabby stumbled away from the destruction. “Oh my!”

“It’s the only way.”

A rat scurried away from demolition. Gunther swept it up. “Problem solved.”

“My kitchen!”

Guther handed her a card. It said: “Little Mountain House Repairs.”

Twenty-Third Friday Flash: Bear Necessities

*** This is a follow up to Endless War and Desolation

**** I'm also battling a dreadnought of a cold, so please forgive me for any errors you might pick up in the text. And I wouldn't mind if you pointed them out.

Amy hated being ordered around by Sergeant Whiskers, he was even more obnoxious and bossy than her previous CO. After scavenging what supplies they could find in the almost totally trashed research facility they headed further north. Amy tried to convince Sergeant Whiskers that they should stay and make it their base, but he refused, saying the job was not finished, the enemy was still out there.

They travelled for days. Amy used every spare moment looking for an escape, but it was hopeless, the Kitty Power army did not tolerate deserters, she would become an enemy the instant she left. Sergeant Whiskers would literally hunt her down. But still she hoped. There had to be a way out.

“Stop,” commanded Sergeant Whiskers.

Amy gladly stopped. They had been going all day and she was tired. Whiskers insisted she use her power suit manually, saying they had to be alert at all times.

Amy looked all around her. They were in an abandoned and almost completely destroyed town. They had seen no sign of human life since they left the research facility. It was most probably some starved creature looking through the trash for some food. And it wasn't too far from the truth.

A bear leaped out from behind a building and connected with Sergeant Whiskers before he could get a shot off. The bear was strong, but it was no match for Sergeant Whiskers and his armoured suit. The Sergeant shoved the bear away. It stumbled, and fell backwards.

“Don't hurt it!”

"You stay out of this Private Purkins!"

Sergeant proceeded to push the bear around. Amy was having none of it, she moved swiftly in, and whacked Whiskers solidly with the butt of her rifle. He went down like a log.

The bear moved in on Amy, growling. “Shh Shh... calm down, I won't hurt you.”

Fearing she might be crazy she grabbed a honey energy bar from her dwindling supplies, unwrapped it, and extended her hand slowly towards the bear.

It stopped and sniffed the air. Amy's hand trembled. The bear licked up the treat.

“Ew! Sticky.”

Amy contemplated taking out the sergeant then and there, but she couldn't bring herself to it. She wouldn't be able to sleep at night, but she did strip him of his rifle, and any other weapons. Even taking the batteries from his suit. Hopefully he wouldn't wake up.

The bear followed her as she left the town. Amy didn't try to stop it. She liked the company.

***

Sergeant Whisker's eyes opened.

My Third #FridayFlash - Steamed

WARNING: Story has only been proofread a couple of times. Wrote it yesterday.

Brian woke to a crashing sound. It sounded like his cabin was being squeezed inside a giant vice. He rolled off his bunk to the floor, and fell off his feet as the ship swayed violently. It was a lucky coincidence because at that same moment the whole ship began to tilt even more wildly out of control.

Instincts kicking in, he grabbed a hold of the nearest object: a medium sized wooden chest full of his personal belongings. Holding on for his life the cabin suddenly rocked in the opposite direction and did a full somersault. The cabin fell apart under the pressure and to his amazement he splashed into the water; cutting and banging himself badly on the wooden chest and debris.

He collected himself and tried to recover from the shock. Brian was surprised to discover the sea was relatively calm. Still dark, he couldn't see what had happened to his ship. Debris and parts of the ship floated all around him. Clinging tightly to the chest he paddled around. Taking a three sixty degree view of the area. The sun was just rising on the horizon.

His jaw dropped as he took in what was looming up over him a few hundred yards away. It was a galleon style ship, but so different to any he had seen before. Stretching out from its sides were massive steel arms with deadly looking claw like pincers on the ends. Pincers large enough to grab his humble fishing boat and toss it to the heavens.

Hoping not to be spotted he dropped behind his chest and held onto the handle. Now that things had settled he could hear the steam powered engines of the ship chuffing along. Minutes of nerve wracking tension eked on by, just as he thought he might be in the clear the chest began to rise up into the air. Within seconds he was above the ship's deck, he dropped down and landed with a thud. Moments later the chest was unceremoniously dropped from the pincer. Crashing to the floor and splitting open in front of him.

Soaking wet, Brian breathed in deeply and out, trying to gauge what he should do next. He contemplated diving overboard, but facing the crew of the ship seemed like a better prospect than being deserted and left to be eaten by sharks. Out of nowhere something whizzed at his head. Not seeing it in time Brian got another scrape along the side of his head to add to his other injuries.

“Stowaway! Stowaway!” squawked what looked like a parrot, but it was like no parrot he had ever seen. It seemed to be half bird and half machine.

Brian quickly snatched up the lid of the chest in case it came in for another attack. He watched as it flew up and landed on what only could be described as a pirate. But like the parrot there was something very peculiar about the individual. Not only exceedingly tall he was also part machine. Cogs, gears and cams could be seen whizzing around in the man's artificial right arm and left leg. All the enhancements as you might call them were bronze in colour. It matched the plate that covered the top left hand side of his face. A big gleaming red eye stood out in centre of the plate. The pirate's gaze bored into the back of Brian's head.

He had only been the cook on the ship, and he was normally the one who took things lightly or shrugged things off, but this time he wasn't going to stand aside and let life do with him as it pleased. This time he was going to make his will and desires count. Besides he had baked a delicious rhubarb pie the night before and he was looking forward to serving it to the rest of the crew in the morning. That had all been changed by this hideous pirate and his flying bag of bolts.

“I thought we killed them all,” sighed the pirate as if Brian was little more than an insect that had to be stomped on. “See to it will you Nicodemus.”

“I will see to you, you rotten dirt bag!” shouted Brian charging forward with his lid in hand.

Brian swung savagely with all his strength at the pirate. Undeterred the heavily scarred man raised his mechanical arm. The already damaged lid smashed to pieces harmlessly off the man's mechanical arm.

Defending its master the parrot went for Brian's face. It dug its claws into Brian's skin as he backed away trying to swat it off. Wiping away the blood now pouring down his face with one hand Brian used his other hand to grab the parrot firmly by the neck. It squawked and protested loudly as he ripped it away from his face. Intense pain shot through his left eye as the parrot pecked wildly at his eye as Brian pulled it away. Enraged Brian grabbed the evil parrot with both hands and rung its neck. Its red eye slowly faded away to darkness.

“No!” boomed the pirate. “Not Niccy!”

He wasn't sure if it was the pain or the adrenaline that was driving him on, but Brian felt positively invigorated. The insidious pirate lunged forward shouting like a mad man. Seeing the dagger he kept in his chest shining in the morning sun Brian snatched it up, and shoved it into the pirate's chest. Choking on his own blood the pirate collapsed to the floor.

Free to roam Brian discovered that the pirate had run the ship on his own. Piles of junk and loot crowded most of the monstrosity of a ship. Under it all he found a usable kitchen.

Surveying the seas before him Brian took another mouthful of meat. It wasn't rhubarb pie, but he had to admit Nicodemus tasted rather good.

With the ship and all the equipment at hand he contemplated becoming a pirate himself. A less ruthless pirate, but a pirate none the less. He wondered if “One-eye Bri” would be a fitting name?

The End